In today’s deep reflection, I realized something: the foundation of my life was not built on stable ground. Instead of cement, it was more like sand: hard packed when watered, but eroded when dry and forgotten. Until now, I had a bad habit of idolizing the wrong things and people. And by idolizing I mean desiring, liking, needing, and being content by anything more than God.
For starters, I always wanted to be an all-star employee. Growing up, my parents owned a small business, which meant a lot of our family dinner time was spent talking about their unreliable, careless, often uneducated, ex-felon employees. Turnover was high, which resulted in high stress on my parents.
And from that point forward, I never wanted to be the reason why a mother or father, husband or wife, had sleepless, high-tension nights. Nope, I vowed to be the best employee: one who was loyal, trustworthy, hardworking, dependable, error free, and fast. Sadly for me in its own way, my upbringing caused me to cultivate more of a “task focused” leadership style than a “people focused” leadership style.
Neither style is wrong per se, but those who are exceptional leaders have the ability to seamlessly toggle between them. My somewhat flawed way of thinking caused me to believe that if I was spending time chit chatting and building relationships, I wasn’t getting the job done. And, if I wasn’t getting the job done, my boss would likely bring that stress home to their husband or wife, or son or daughter. And I couldn’t deal with that thought because it trigged a part of my past that I wish I could have erased from my own family’s life. But, instead of being a Godly employee and working hard for His sake, I worked hard to impress those around me.
Then, there was my strong, unending desire to be a wife and mom, which were the only consistent visions I can recall from as far back as when I was a little girl. I had other “wants” and “desires” for my life, but those other things never seemed obtainable. So, as quick as they entered my mind, they exited, too.
It was six years ago that I accomplished the last of my two most important dreams. Which means for the last six years, I’ve been in a bit of a daze, not really knowing what to do or where to go next. I didn’t fully understand the purpose of my existence here on Earth. Surely not in a suicidal or dark way, but more of in a “Now what?” and “Is this it?” kind of way. I grew up having a mom consistently tell me that I was going to do “BIG” things (yes, the emphasis is intentional because she’d always say it as if it was bolded and in caps) and I couldn’t help but think “yeh, ok” each passing year.
I was successful in everything I did, except I guess being a wife, right? But in all seriousness, despite thriving and “having it all” I didn’t realize how empty life felt. Don’t get me wrong, being a “wife” and “mom” were titles I never took lightly; however, I recently wondered if I am living to my full potential.
After all, every day seemed like Groundhog Day: routine, predicable, tiring, boring, frustrating. Without anything to compare it to, I chalked it up to what life was like as a full time, working career wife with two needy toddlers who compete against their dad and sibling for your attention. Sound familiar?
According to my girlfriends, they affirmed this stage is TOTALLY normal and it’ll pass, life will return to being fun, date nights will resurrect from the dead, and the obnoxious infant and toddler toys that take up an absurd amount of space in your house will be traded in for smaller figurines that can easily be thrown into a closet in a pinch.
I was perfectly content just waiting it out.
Although, instead of merely waiting it out, I should have prayed about it. I should have sought God’s Word.
What about you? Is there an area of your life right now that you should maybe be praying about instead of waiting it out? Even if your circumstance seems impossible to overcome, remember what Jesus said:
What is impossible with man is possible with God.
Luke 18:27, NIV
That’s the hope I’m holding onto, friends, and I hope you are, too!
